Marriage...stay the course! We're walking alongside you!

Originally Posted on FB: March 2, 2009

My husband, Cedric, and I are enjoying the ministry of encouraging military couples in keeping their marriage covenants. It is amazingly rewarding, and sometimes it is heart wrenching; however, we can rest knowing that it is God who does the heart transforming work. Pray that this letter that I wrote to a young woman today will be received and taken to heart. Today, I took an hour to pen what God has taught me and laid upon my heart. I wanted to share it with you. Feel free to pass this letter on to others!
In Christ's Love,
Sandi Boehr

Dear *****,
I just got off the phone from counseling with a young woman who is married to an unbeliever, and he is not sure he wants to stay married. Needless to say, she is experiencing overwhelming rejection, loneliness, and pain. My heart literally aches for her. As we spoke, she asked if there was hope for their marriage and whether I had EVER seen God put a marriage "back together" that was in such a mess!! I have. And, as I spoke I explained that there are some things we have to remember. I want to pass these on to you as I think of the difficulties you & ***** are experiencing also. Please hear my heart!

1) God does His work. He does His work in His time! (He is our Redeemer & Restorer; it is an inseparable part of His character.)

We can trust Him and wait on Him; He has NOT abandoned us. Because we believe He is Sovereign, and that He loves His own, we trust Him through the "good and bad" to be doing a work in us to "conform us to His image." Romans 8:28&29. (Knowing this keeps us from throwing our hands up in despair when hard times hit. The way we walk through those times is directly in relation to how we view God and His Sovereignty---He loves His own, He is ALWAYS faithful, & He is allowing trials & struggles for a purpose---In other words, we are not "pawns" in the hands of a "random, reckless, or ruthlessly unloving God." He acts on our behalf on PURPOSE, and we can trust Him fully because of who HE is and because of HIS GREAT, RELENTLESS, UNYIELDING LOVE FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN!!!!)

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. Isaiah 64:4

"He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it in Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, He who formed you, do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are MINE!! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the river, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL, YOUR SAVIOUR." ISAIAH 43:1-3

(He is so clear that He NEVER abandons us, and His Word does work in our situations. *****, there is NOTHING new "under the sun" in our lives or marriages that is not "common" to God. In other words, He is not "surprised" by any situation in you and *****'s marriage. ---- His principles work when applied!! That's so encouraging, isn't it?)

2) When we have an estranged or "stormy, tumultuous" marriage the first person we need to look at "fixing" is ourselves!! As a wife I have to take my big lens off of my husband, look into the mirror of God's Word, and ask Him how I am affecting our marriage for bad or for good.
(I can personally tell you that for many years I had my lens on my husband, and I worked to change him thinking this would make our marriage what it should be. I was wrong. My own heart needed to be transformed through the Word.)

I'm not saying that my husband was always without fault; what I am saying is that I married a sinner who was also created in the "image of God, and in whom God is doing His work." Remember James 3:2 which says, "We all stumble in many ways!" I'm not my husband's Holy Spirit!----In addition, I'm also NOT saying that it is unbiblical to confront my husband in love or to deal with spiritual, emotional, sexual, financial, child rearing, and other issues.

What I AM saying is, it is HOW we deal with those issues as wives following the pattern set forth in Galatians 6:1&2. "If anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore (In this context, "restore" has to do with "setting/healing a broken bone") such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But each one must examine his own work.." We are to speak the "truth in love." It's a "tall order," but it is surely possible since God calls us to do it!!

Let's come back to examining ourselves. Am I respectful of my husband both in private and in public? Am I his "best friend" and do I work to give him a reason to come home...good food, good sex, a home in order, a sense of humor in the midst of the everyday trials that we ALL experience (Cars breaking down, long lines in the Army offices & in grocery lines, etc!) Or, is my life chronically all about me and fulfilling MY needs?

Let's look at a passage in I Peter. It is commonly quoted in relation to being married to an unbeliever, but that's not the context. One's husband might be an unbeliever, or one's husband who is a believer may not be obeying the Word. That is the context that Paul writes. (I can tell you, that I didn't "get" this message for a LONG time!!) "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior...Your adornment must not be merely external...but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in the sight of God." I Peter 3:1-4

3) Lastly, we have to become "God-centered spouses!" A "spouse-centered spouse" treats the other spouse the way they have been treated for the last 48-72 hours. A God-centered spouse loves their spouse out of reverence for God!! Matt. 6:33 says "Seek first His kingdom, and all His righteousness, "...asking Him to change us..our selfishness, to grow our patience, our ability to understand our spouse, to teach us.. II Cor. 7:1 says, "Let us purify ourselves.." We want to "purify" or change everyone else including our spouses and children, but God ultimately wants us to respect our husbands out of reverence for HIM!

Remember, *****, you married a sinner. All the counseling in the world with all the "how-to's" in the world will not change our hearts. In fact, if counseling is for the purpose of "digging" up the past over and over or for the purpose of casting the "fault" on the other person, it will actually do more to contribute to the demise rather than to the healing of your marriage. Even "Christian" marriage counseling that is focused solely on the behavior rather than the heart and on the Designer of Marriage will ultimately fall on its face. We have to let God transform our hearts; this may take a long time as it has with me, but it is worth the journey.

I ask you to consider what I've said and to learn from me. What God has taught me I want to pass on to you so that your marriage may flourish! God has given my husband and I an unbelievably wonderful marriage of almost 32 years, but how we would have loved to have someone be honest with us and to disciple us in the early years! So, hear my heart, ****, and know that we will walk with you as you strive to walk in the Word allowing God to transform your marriage.

Stay the course, *****. Keep your covenant of marriage that you made with ***** before God. We love you two, and we are praying for you.

Committed to walking alongside you,
Sandi Boehr